The New Yokel

Hi...

Below are numerous posts from 2009-10 spoofing the town of Blacksburg and Virginia Tech. What fun.  It's important a town have sense of humor about itself, and that's why this blog was created. I stopped writing in the spring of 2010 but the humor holds up well. Click on my profile to quickly scroll all the posts under "recent activity." Enjoy. 

Alexander Black House Hauled Away in Spring Cleaning

Two West Virginia men hauling away stuff local residents had set out for town pick-up, also took Blacksburg’s historic Alexander Black House  (also known as "Bleak House"), Wednesday night.

 

 

 “It was inevitable,” said local resident Elizabeth Todd, while walking her dog past the now empty lot off Draper Road. “The place had been decaying there for years. I call it the black bird house because starlings nest in the holes."

People who troll the town’s neighborhoods to pick through discarded household items are a common sight. But the brash trash stashing of an entire house caught the town unawares.

“That’s our historic decaying bleak black bird house!” complained hysterical Historical Town Stuff manager Donald Rickles. “We want it back! Though we’re not paying for the transportation.”

 The Victorian era bird house now sits comfortably on a hillside  in Hinton, West Virginia. The two dudes who hauled the structure away, Cody Foutz and Lester Paynes, moved in and spruced the interior up with caulking, curtains, and a new coat of paint.

 “Finders keepers,” snorted Cody  while rocking on the porch, drinking a Bud Lite, and enjoying his new abode’s view of trees in spring renewal. "Yep," added Mr. Paynes, nodding his head in agreement.

When told the old house was once a funeral home, Mr. Foutz shrugged. “Well, my friend, it was clearly dead, wasn’t it? Shoot, Lester and I should bill the town of Blacksburg for hauling the dang house away! Right, Lester?"

"Yep."

 Later, they did.

 

Cenus Takers Accuse Locals Of Hiding Hokie Birds

Carol Flynn was peering into a Progress Street apartment recently, not the least bit concerned about local police arresting her.

“I’m here to count every Hokie Bird. And I know these students are hiding them,” she said, drumming her fingers on her official Census Taker clipboard.

Asked if she had found any, Flynn grimaced and admitted “none yet,” but she had discovered numerous garden gnomes housed inside.

“Garden gnomes must be in a garden, otherwise, you are housing them. And that’s just not correct. They are outdoor citizens. Understand?”

 No.

 Flynn said she enjoys her power, little that it may be.

“I’ve seen shocking things peeking in windows. I record them on my cell phone camera and post the videos on YouTube under my username, MakeCenusOfThis,” she admitted.

 

Flynn also discovered Xanadu hiding more Mermen in their closets.

And Chief Toby Tobacco continues to be housed in Blacksburg Pipe and Tobacco, the only  true native in the Blacksburg cenus.

Also, he continues to smoke inside, despite the recent state ban on smoking within establishments.

 
 

Smartway Bus Misses Town

A Smartway bus shuttling riders from Roanoke to Blacksburg completely missed the scheduled town stops, rolling instead into Giles County.

Bus driver Franklin Jones admitted the mistake with a simple, reasonable explanation: “I thought this was Tanburg.”

 

Franklin was the third bus driver this year to assume the giant red T-A-N letters glowing from Kent Square building -- the largest signage in downtown Blacksburg – denoted a town.  

Next door the town municipal building has no sign facing Main Street, nor does its neighbor, the engineering department, better known to tourists as the Blacksburg Motor Company with no cars for sale.

(Meanwhile, I am blogging -- I hate that word as it sounds like I'm vomiting - from New Symrna Beach, Florida, so if anything strange happens in Tanburg, such as a day without police sirens wailing, someone post me.)

Blacksburg Rental Price Lowered Leaving Everyone Confused

 A local real estate agency representing an out-of-town home owner lowered the monthly fee --  not just the first month -- of his sketchy sub-divide on Lee Street.

 Asked to explain, the  rental agent responsible said the price was always too high and he was only being fair.

 However, the student renters refused to pay less, convinced the change was some sort of "landlord trick." The rental agent then evicted the students for failure to pay less. The rentals remain empty because the town's  "inspector of student stuff" condemned the housing as "too reasonable in price."

 "Can't we all just get along and go back to squeezing as much as possible out of these kids' parents?" said an anonymous property owner from his out-of-town second home on a lake. 

*Meanwhile, this Barger Street rental below was always reasonable and available for a very short short term lease.

 

Bollywood Transit Stops Then Spins

In an effort to increase fares on the town’s public transit system, the BT, the transportation department has installed night club lighting and is encouraging dancing in the aisles.  The new Bollywood Transit began service last week. 

Bollywood Transit  drivers,  referred to around the office as "steering wheel artists," rap stop destinations. Bus Driver Wendy Berger, who also answers to her new transy name,  Brake4no1, worked on lyrics recently before starting a noon shift:

Hand me your money, now dance to the beat.

 No complainin,'  booty-up to your seat. 

Okay we’re full on the Club BT, 

 So sit your ass down -- next stop, CRC.”

BT’s many foreign student riders, who lack cars in this country, seem puzzled by the club theme. However, Hajji Balihaha, a Materials Engineering graduate student from India, was enthusiastic.

 "This is not Bollywood, really, but I like the beat," he said, while dancing with himself, Billy Idol style, on a BT night shift , below. "Yes, we need more Bollywood Transits!"

 

Huckleberry Trail Shout-a-bouts

 
 Local Huckleberry Trail enthusiasts bumped, jostled and cursed each other this week as they navigated the controversial new roundabouts. 

The Town of Blacksburg installed roundabouts at various mileposts in an effort to calm the bikers, joggers, and walkers who pass each other on the heavily used narrow exercise trail.

While traffic has slowed, the whining has increased:

“I was rear-ended by one of those young mother-jogger types pushing a monster stroller,” whined retiree and avid walker Stan Barksdale of Blacksburg. “She was going way to fast around the circle. We got into it. And her snooty toddler even gave me the baby finger!"

“I’m totally disgusted with the whole project,” whined cyclist and Tech  grad student, Wendy Toot, a noontime trailblazer. “I have set mileage to complete each day on my lunch break, and these roundabouts are slowing me to a snail’s pace.”

“On your left, dammit!” shouted numerous enthusiasts caught in a maelstrom at the Kraft Drive/Trail instersection roundabout. All seemed to think they were in the right about being on the left first…or something like that.

 

Even a grazing cow watching the shout-a-bouts from the bordering Virginia Tech dairy field had an opinion:

“We tried those things in the milk barn. It was udder confusion,” she quipped.

Hokie Hoodies Approved For Spring Graduation

Hokie Hoodies have been approved for spring graduation by the Virginia Tech BOV members who signed off on the idea before anyone really new what the heck was going on.

"What's a hoodie?" asked BOV member and mountain top removal coal baron,  Conrad T. Scoop, when contacted about the new garb.

****Hoodies as seen from behind:

 

The traditional black-colored  hoodies will replace the cumbersome and preposterous flat mortar boards of the last century.  

The hoodies are destined to be a big hit with students who will be able to nap and text undetected by their parents during the g-day ceremonies.
  

  

Barger Street Blues

 If there is actually anyone out there reading the New Yokel beyond Blacksburg, this is for you.

Barger Street, the curious yellow brick road of Blacksburg, which lead to nowhere, is being torn down for what I believe is a parking garage. That crazy brick bungalow on the corner, no more. The Spanish style stucco house, no more. Just so you know.

 

H-O-K-I-E gets O-K from Scrabble's Z-O-T

The folks who publish Scrabble, the popular word score game, announced that H-O-K-I-E is indeed an allowable game word.

Recently, several online PEDANTIC WAHOO players complained the Virginia Tech mascot name was too hokey to be a real word, but Grandmaster ZOT, Scrabble’s mysterious the-word-of-god enforcer, allowed for inclusion of the unique name. 

Zot, however --- with a thunderous chortle -- dismissed Highty and Tighty  as sounding too silly to be taken seriously.