They’ll be no ho-ho-ho-ing this year at the Virginia Tech Transportation Institute after a research study of Santa's sleigh determined the carriage fails every safety standard.
“It’s a piece of crap,” declared researcher Sandy Woodall, looking at the sleek wooden ride which Santa Claus flies through the night. “The harness bells are useless. They jingle a bit, that’s all. A total failure.”
Other hazards listed by the institute:
The sled runners act like scythes, slicing through shingles and exposing house wires to potential water damage and electrical fires.
Packages fall out and crash like meteors all across America.
Only two reindeer can see what’s happening out front.
Also, the sleigh was put through a battery of tests down the institute’s impressive mile-long corridor of weather-related obstacles where it ended with a catastrophic tumble off the bridge. Perhaps most distressing was the institute’s assessment of Santa’s driving abilities. “The old dude should be snoring in front of hearth with cookie crumbs in his beard, not driving bleary-eyed through the dead of night in a blade runner,” a spokesman said.
Santa could not be reached for comment, but a workshop elf who answered the phone at the North Pole screamed very amusing, high-pitched obscenities.
*The ill-fated spring test run of Santa's sleigh