The Underground pub on Main Street is temporarily closed. The bar is building a smoking area for its many smoking patrons who can not light up inside due to a recent state ban on smoking inside restaurants.
The boarded-up façade is necessary to keep local dart-a-holics from crashing the closed pub. Known for their squinty-eyed addiction to throwing pointy things at circles on walls, the Underground owner has placated his regular throwers with a dart wall, outside. The wall will encourage regulars to stay in practice, tossing darts while driving past the bar.
Regular dartist and beer gut champion “Tank” Schofield was worried sick his old hangout was changing to a new business altogether. “I thought it was gonna be a Target store, what with all those red targets on the wall. Sure glad to hear it’s just renovation,” he said. “I can’t afford Target underwear anyway,” Tank continued, thoughtfully. “Now at Wal-Mart, you can get a six pack of colored undergroundies for five dollars, though the waistbands stretch after a few washings. That’s China crap for ya. Made in America undies are better, but I can’t find them at the prices which…[Edited for space.]
Pedestrian and regular U.S. Post Office visitor Teresa Vishniski was miffed at the obstruction. “Yesterday some idiot dart dude hit my package! I had to unwrap it and see if the contents were okay!” she said.
Town Bicycle Officer Chico Taco has already written several tickets to drivers. “I spotted some drivers texting while aiming darts, which is a double-ticket-point score for me. And it's dangerous," he added.