Safety engineers shocked the Blacksburg community yesterday when they announced their conclusions on the collapse of Blacksburg High School’s gymnasium roof. It appears the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back was a pair of old Converse sneakers tossed atop the roof by a bored student. The pair was but the newest of hundreds uncovered in the rumble along with mounds of assorted teenager trash from the last thirty odd years.
“In essence what we had up there was a landfill, well, a rooffill, where students had been casually winging stuff for years,” said inspector Walt Unger. “Plastic crap was everywhere: hundreds of butane lighters, cassette tapes, DVDs and CDs, lip gloss dispensers, and big stuff, too. We found marching band instruments, desk chairs, even an old soda machine, which we have been told in an anonymous email was dumped there by ‘five stoned guys.’ These pranksters forced open the roof access door, dumped the machine, then forgot about it. So in conclusion, the roof failed under the trash stress."
Long-time front office receptionist Faye Pratt-Wilson recalls the soda machine vanishing in the spring of 1992. “I always wondered about that,” she said. “I assumed it had just broke and was hauled away,” she added, shaking her head "...kids."
Montgomery County School Board Stuff bounty hunter and attorney, Moe Whiplash, of the firm, Whiplash, Whiplash and Moe Whiplash, is determined to track down and prosecute thousands of BHS alumni by matching sneakers to fading names scrawled in magic marker on the sneakers by "punks." Also, Whiplash intends to use the latest CSI forensics in matching DNA to every lip gloss stick trashed by “all those slim shady young ladies."
"We have confiscated thirty years of BHS Indians and Bruins yearbooks from the library,” Whiplash said, holding up a book for local action news camera crews. “We have your goofy photos next to your names, you juvenile litterbugs who are now adult fugitives. We will search every warehouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse until we find you. We hold BHS alumni accountable for this calamity. "
Meanwhile, Wal-Mart has expressed an interest in the property.