*The Hokie Bird's flailing legs were captured in this cheap cell phone camera image snapped by an alert, but least reliable Canadian. Behind the retaining wall sits the evil, black-hearted Russian Duck judge, Simon Cowell Daffynov .
VANCOUVER - He looked sexy, svelte and seductive in his orange-and-maroon spangled tights and white turkey feather boa. He waved like a beauty queen to the Canadian spectators inflected whoops of “Go Hokies, eh?” And his figure skating choreography was flawless as he glided to the Virginia Tech football team’s entrance anthem ‘Enter the Sandman,” by Metallica, which he re-titled, “Enter the Snowman,” for the Vancouver-based Winter Olympics.
But something went horribly wrong on his first difficult leap into a Double Turnkey Turkey Axel...the Hokie Bird fell, careening into a wall and executing (unfortunately) a perfect Triple Butt Spin across the ice. The crowd gasped on cue.
Still, the Hokie Bird kept his composure, finished his routine, and collected all the stuffed mascots of himself thrown onto the ice by his adoring fans.
“My feet...” said the Hokie Bird, holding back tears as he awaited the judges' scores in the booth of shame. “My feet are just too big!” he cried, as the Russian Duck judge scored his performance an unprecedented -253.8.
The television replays were brutal…and those size 39 W orange ice skates sticking up like giant carrots from some Pixar movie were surely going to break viewing records on YouTube.
Humiliated, the Hokie Bird quickly exited the rink , but managed a wink for the NBC cameras and one last looping wing wave to the crowd. Then the scene turned ugly as the Russian judge was clearly quacking an insult from his seat which the Hokie Bird returned with a shocking censored-for-television gobble. In the tunnel the Hokie Bird mumbled to his trainer the Russian judge was "...nothing but a waddling Siberian web-footed #@#@!” Moments later, as he hobbled beyond the reach of video, the marooned mascot unleashed one last move, his best yet, witnessed by a few lucky bystanders: a swinging leg kick into the shin of white trash autograph-seeker Tonya Harding.
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