Thousands of Blacksburg citizens have neared the breaking point this February as shoveling, walking dogs through slush, cleaning salty residue from kitchens, (and having no escape from certain family members), becomes a maddening “Groundhog Day” routine. But most annoying to many citizens are a small group of smiling, rosy-cheeked people, locals who continue to refer to nature's suffocating blanket of misery as a winter wonderland; locals with crystal clear window views of the valley, a stone hearth fire crackling, a cup of hot chocolate steaming…but some guy named Jorge shoveling and scraping ice.
“Those people clearly have never dug a car out...repeatedly,” said local goodfellow, Tony “The Shovel,” Colombo.
Tony, with under-the-table permission from town council insiders, has contracted famous Yukon abominable snowman, Bumble, to eat all these perky snow people.
“You eat ‘em like their heads are candy apples. Capice? ” Colombo told Bumble while seated inside a Hooptie Ride limo.
Bumble has a town permit to eat anyone overheard waxing poetic on the beauty of icicles (lethal frozen daggers to sane people), or displaying out-of-season cheerfulness while standing near a winter-weary citizen.
Bumble will also be scaring the crapola out of minors caught making snow angels.
“We hope to nip this behavior in the bud,” said Colombo, unapologetically.
* Bumble mugs for locals just before eating one.