Cabin fever has turned to mud room rage in Blacksburg as dozens of snowmen have been kicked, stomped, and decapitated by roaming packs of exasperated local mothers.
The women, who carry shovels (blade colors chosen to match their scarves), are fed-up from picking up after family members who have cluttered their snow-sodden homes with dirty laundry, mud, and general whining about this and that.
“Kids! I can’t get rid of them!” explained Margie Vickers, a possessed Fairview Drive matriarch who swung her magenta blade through the frozen neck of a snowman, its head tumbling into mush at her feet. “This is so #%33@*# fun!” she added, baring a wicked smile and flushed magenta cheeks.
"This cold-blooded havoc beats hot yoga any day!” cried her ax-wielding gal pal, Ginger [last name withheld by request as her position on the local PTA might be in danger.] The women agreed the violence gets easier – and more enjoyable – by fantasizing the snowmen are ex-boyfriends who dumped them in college, evil co-workers, or anyone for whom the mothers harbor a deep, percolating vengeance.
The National Weather Service's groundhog forecaster in Blacksburg, Dr. Neal Hammond [ see Dr. Hammond from previous post ] cautioned: "...an Arctic air mass colliding with a menopausal hot flash within a dry, overheated home, is the perfect storm."
Local police have also issued warnings to overly sensitive citizens: do not attempt to save the children’s creations from the wrath of the bleary-eyed, rampaging gangs.
“According to the good Book of Oprah, the parable of the mother and the thankless children, this is a necessary thing,” said town police spokesman, Arnold Plank. "We are taking a pro-active policy of not doing anything, because, frankly, these are scary ladies."
*Police were unable to stop one mother who mistook the town’s municipal sculpture for a snowman