The recent collapse of the BHS gymnasium roof has forced the Montgomery County school system to relocate the high school’s refugees to Blacksburg Middle School for afternoon and evening classes. But such a move was bound to create tension between the colliding hormonal age groups, and it’s been a rough first week for Blacksburg’s senior citizen teens.
The BMS kids are not giving up their Smurf turf without concessions, shin-kicking the older kids for lunch money, cell phones, breath mints, and warning the older boys not to mess with their “ladies."
Michael, 11 [last name withheld by mother] voiced the rules in a really squeaky voice: “This is our house! Any tall dudes diss me and I’ll elbow them right where I’ll get their attention.”
Several 6th graders sporting hoodies were spotted in the art department making nasty clay spitballs.
“If it’s war, we’ll be ready,” said Nathan ‘Inglorious Little Basterd,’ Goldstein. “Totally!” squeaked his lunchroom tablemate, Eric ‘Bad Jonas Brother’ Jones.
Lurking in the school's parking lot, "future hip-hop artist" 25 cent, and his crew, the Penny Peeps, scanned vehicles for a possible tall victim. “I got my shiv,” 25 cent snarled, flashing a plastic McDonald’s Happy Meal utensil.
Speaking for the BMS ladies, gum-smacking, trendy gaga-nista Jocelyn [last name without by mother] said her girlfriends look forward to making their Titans jealous: “These middle school boys have been taking us for granted. We see flirting with older boys as an opportunity for serious payback.”
An unidentified teacher's assistant directing hallway foot traffic wore a t-shirt riffing on Nikki Giovanni: "We are the Bruins. We will not crumble." Asked by a least reliable source if she thought the slogan sounded melodramatic for what is an inconvenience, not a military siege, she replied: "It's a typo. It's supposed to say stumble."
Lastly -- but not least reliably, actually just weary -- BMS Principal John [name withheld by embarrassed daughter] rolled his eyes and was heard mumbling: “I wish I had been in the gym when the roof collapsed."