After years of encouraging its staff and students to invent the future, Virginia Tech scientists have succeeded in doing just that.
“It’s a great day for tomorrow!” said university spokesperson, Walter Middleman, quoting the school’s new slogan.
Who invented the future?
“Some graduate students messing around with physics and doughnuts. I don’t know, really. That’s not what’s important. They’re history. We’re already implementing fast-forward reductions in personal on this and the first to go was them.”
What does the future look like?
“Teachers have been eliminated in the future. Meanwhile, administrators have quadrupled and researchers are actually breeding each other in their laboratories.”
Why are teachers eliminated in the future?
“Why not? They don’t bring in money. They whine in faculty senate meetings, ” Middleman added, while clicking through a video presentation on his 120-inch laptop showing how troublesome teachers had become. “Frowny faces, I call teachers. We need happy faces. Smiling faces.”
What about students?
“Students will continue to be our bread and butter. Literally. Students will bake bread and churn butter in the dining halls in the future. They will also be reduced in size, small enough to live in little snow globe dormitories. So think of students as elves working for the greater good of administrators and researchers. Ho-ho-ho Hokies! That’s funny isn’t it?”
Speaking of globes, what about global warming in the future?
“How should I know? You’re not listening. I said no teachers, but more administrators and researchers. With a future like that, who gives a damn about global warming?”
What about parking on campus?
“Excellent question! No more cars will be allowed on campus. Everyone will teleport their atoms like in Star Wars.”
You mean Star Trek?
“Whatever. Ask the doughnut graduate students.”
You eliminated them already.
“Oh right. Guess it’s a mystery then. But no cars will mean we can re-architecturize current commuter lots for more buildings.
Re-architecturize?
“It’s a word I made up. I’m ex-military. Like it?
"What new buildings have been invented in the future?
“We’re funding – excuse me – we have already invented, a new $30 million practice facility for cheerleaders.
"Cheerleaders will get their own practice facility?
“Hey, those girls look good on ESPN. That’s positive PR. They’re important.”
But cheerleaders are students and will, by your own admission, be reduced in size and live in snow globes.
“Saaaay, cheerleaders in snow globes! I want one of those for my office. Shake up ‘em up and they tumble around. Fun! I could do that all day. Except I have important press releases to type up. But I like how you think. If I didn’t suspect you of having an English degree, I might offer you a job…in the future.”
What’s next now that the future has been invented?
“We’re going to re-invent the past!”
Won’t that endanger the invented future?
“Oh. Hmmm…well, what the hell, as long as it gets funded.”
Are you going to shoot off fireworks in celebration of this extraordinary invention? It seems to be a very popular thing to do at this university, especially at midnight when the townspeople are just falling asleep.
“Absolutely. I don’t worry about annoying townspeople. In the future, they don’t exist.”
Frickin' Awesome!
Posted by: Jan Downs | 11/07/2009 at 06:27 PM